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Meandering Mind part 2These searches are like the curse of Sisyphus, each time we think we have attained our goal, it slips out of our hands and we must begin again. I've felt like that. I've experienced frustration from going down that path. The path of self destruction, alienation and belief that I am alone and must do everything by the strength of my will. What I find interesting is the free-will switch. I think of it as the switch at a rail road crossing that can change the direction of the train. One way is "My Will" and the other way is "God's Will" Just writing that makes me want to throw a tantrum! Seriously, it does. I think the only way for me to fill the void is by doing it my way. Even though doing it my way has never worked. No, not ever. And that pisses me off. I just haven't believed that doing God's Will is something that would make me happy. It sounds too Christian and restrictive and boring. So I'm setting out to think about Gods Will and what it means to me. Because while I believe God's Will is universal I also believe it's individualized too. Just as we humans are all essentially the same, we also have individual characteristics. And that is wonderful, beautiful and amazing. Meandering Mind(stream of consciousness) Every moment of every day is Christmas. Jesus is born anew each time you welcome him into your heart. There is a new day dawning. A bright light shining and a world of glory behind the curtain of death. Death comes in many forms and all are as real as the next. Death is a letting go of the past; the releasing of an old paradigm, it is possible to die many times in one body. Each rebirth takes some time. The new paradigm needs time to form. To become somewhat solid, as solid that is, as a belief can be. That is life. Transitions from one frame of mind to another. Growth, progress, regression; two steps forward, one back. Taking time to reassess ones self, actions and beliefs. Or just running backwards to the safety of familiarity. I've discovered empirically that is isn't change or letting go that hurts. It's the holding on that causes pain. Holding on to someone or something that doesn't fit anymore, an old pair of shoes, a boyfriend or even a job that is no longer fulfilling. The reason we hold on? Lack of trust. We don't trust ourselves and we don't trust God. There, I said it--the "G" word. What does God have to do with me changing my shoes, boyfriends or even my career? Today I read something I needed to remember. It said "don't pray to God for money or material things." Remember to pray to God to help you to live His way. When we follow God or the laws of the Universe, then we are bound to have more than enough of all the physical/material things we need. And our lives will be filled with love and joy. Because fear and hatred cannot exist where God is. In these times of economic stress don't be frightened. Look at this as an opportunity to slow down and spend more time with your friends and family. Now is a good time to enjoy a family night in, play a simple card or board game and get reacquainted with each other. Have BBQ's and pic-nics. This is a great time to reassess your values and goals. What is really important to you? Ask yourself which is worth the effort: work harder and longer hours to buy more things, or work on getting to know your family? These times are forcing us to slow down and I think we can make it into a good thing. This is a great wake up call.Time to quit sleepwalking and wake up from the soft cocoon of complacency. We've been nodding at commercials and agreeing we must have the newest, be the thinnest, the most beautiful and drive the biggest, the most expensive... But these things don't fill the void that is inside of us. It's like eating junk food. We have to eat more and more because our bodies are not getting the nutrients that need. I think we humans were created with that void. We have an innate unnamed need, a craving, and it drives us. We feel it as a tangible loss. We obsessively search to fill it. Usually we look for it in love, sex, money or power. It doesn't really matter where or how we try to fill this void. I'm sure you've deduced what I'm about to say. Yes, the void, the piece we are missing is God. It's like freewill is a disconnect switch. We are free to search everywhere through everything, to find something, anything to fill the void. These searches drive us crazy. To be continued... William Makepeace Thackeray“Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children.” William Makepeace Thackeray quotes Fogged InI threw coffee at the fog today, but it persisted... Depression and AnxietyThis is from an e-mail that I sent to a friend. If you are here, maybe you can benefit from it too. I hope so. I was diagnosed with extreme depression and anxiety about 2 years ago. I was such a mess I really wish I could have been hospitalized. But no insurance and no one to lean on but myself so I toughed it out. For me it's biological as well as situational. I found a great site for research, it's: "crazymeds.us" They have tons of info and it's written in layman terms and is really quite funny at times. I've found myself really embarrassed because I have a "mental illness." I'm an intelligent woman and I feel like being ill (mentally) is a weakness that I should be able to prevent/handle, just by the power of my will. But I know that I can't, I know that I have to take meds and I need to learn to deal with stressful situations in a healthy way. There are a lot of people suffering with D&A, and more and more of the general public are understanding that it is a debilitating illness. One of the really hard parts for me is the fact that no one can "see" that I am ill. People don't understand how fragile I am and the need I have to just be left alone to heal. People cannot see what a Herculean effort it is just to get out of bed. It's not like I am wearing a cast and so my friends know not to ask me to an amusement park. I feel like a loser when I keep telling my friends that I don't want to go out to a club or a bar or whatever. They are always asking "why not?" and how many times can I say "I'm depressed, I don't want to do anything and the idea of trying to pick out something to wear causes me so much anxiety that I just have to lay down." And the looks I get like "what the fuck? you're stressed about getting dressed?" It's not the getting dressed, it's the trying to make a decision, even simple one's are overwhelming. It's important that you be gentle with yourself.
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